God's Blueprint for Marriage - Part 1: Marriage is God's Idea
- Paul Reich
- 4 days ago
- 17 min read
If God is the architect of marriage, then following His blueprint and building according to His design is essential for having a strong marriage.
Image designed by Paul D. Reich
One day a man phoned for a building inspector to come to his house. When the inspector arrived, the man explained that his house had a “crack” problem. The walls kept developing cracks and the man had fixed them time and again. After a brief examination, the inspector said to the man, “Sir, you do not have a crack problem.” The man replied, “Yes, I do. Look at these walls. I’ve fixed them four times and now they’ve developed cracks again.” The inspector said, “Sir, those cracks are only symptoms. You do not have a crack problem; you have a foundation problem. Unless you fix your foundation, you will always be patching cracks.”
Image by Krakograff Textures on Unsplash
Foundations are important. If the foundation is not sound, then the building is in jeopardy of structural damage or even collapse. Take for example, the famous Leaning Tower of Pisa. The solid stone bell tower was built on marshy land.[1] Unfortunately, the builders did not take this into account in 1173 when they laid an inadequately shallow and unstable foundation for the tower. During the building of the second story, the tower began to sink on one side, so construction was halted for nearly a century.
When construction resumed, rather than fixing the foundation problem, the builders tried to offset the lean by building taller columns and raising the arches on the low side. By the fourth story, they were adding two inches to the columns on the low side to level the tower’s height, but the tower continued to lean. Construction continued in the same fashion with periodic breaks for the next 100 years. Finally completed in 1372 nearly two centuries from its start, the result was a curved leaning tower.
Despite numerous efforts over the centuries to right the tower to a vertical position or at least prevent its inevitable collapse, the tower continued to ever so gradually sink and the lean ever so gradually increased. By 1990, the tower tilted at 5.5 degrees, meaning the top of the tower was overhanging the base by nearly 15 feet (4.6 meters)!
To avert the loss of this famous tower, it was closed for 11 years from 1990 to 2001 for structural strengthening. To reduce the tilt, 1,342 cubic feet (38 cubic meters) of soil was extracted from the base of the tower’s high end. The soil removal reduced the tilt by 17.5 inches (45 cm) returning the tower to a tilt of 3.97 degrees, its position in 1838. Extracting soil combined with using lead counterweights, installing a drainage system, and reinforcing the foundation stabilized the tower and in 2008 engineers announced that for the first time in the tower’s 800-year history it had stopped moving![2]
Image by JOE Planas on Unsplash
Foundations are important! Not only for buildings, but also for marriage! Building a marriage is a lot like building a house or a tower; it must be built on a solid foundation. You can’t fix a “cracked” or “toppling” marriage by working on the symptoms; rather you must start with repairing the foundation. Certainly, how you build on that foundation is also important. The Bible has much to say about both the foundation for marriage as well as principles and practices for building a healthy marriage and family. In fact, God's Word is the Divine Plumbline that ensures both the foundation and the building are properly aligned. However, this blog series will focus primarily on the foundation of marriage.
On a relational level the “foundation of marriage” may refer to the formational thinking and behaviors of a couple as they establish their relationship – in other words, the healthy or unhealthy ideas and conduct that shape their unique relationship. Laying a healthy and solid foundation in this sense is important for building a strong marriage.
However, I’m using “foundation of marriage” in a theological sense to refer to God’s creation design for the marriage relationship; that is, God's blueprint: His revealed purpose and plan for marriage. If God is the chief architect of marriage, then following His blueprint and building according to His design is essential for having a strong and successful marriage. To use another metaphor, the Divine Maker best knows how His creation works; and further, He's left us His guidelines in His Maker's Instruction Manual.
God’s Intent for Marriage
To discover God’s design for marriage, we need look no further than the first two chapters of the Bible. In Genesis 1:26-28, we learn that God created both man and woman in His image, commissioning them to procreate, to fill the earth, and to act as His co-regents in developing the potential of all that He created. This passage clearly establishes the equality of men and women both in personhood as image bearers of God and in purpose as co-rulers over creation. The practical implications are that couples will practice mutual respect toward one another due to the inherent value both partners have as carriers of the imago dei, and further that they will work together as a team bringing order to creation and the many affairs of life as they fulfill God’s mandate to exercise dominion.
While the first chapter of Genesis presents a wide-angle view of creation from a global perspective, Genesis two zooms in with a telephoto lens providing a more intimate look at the creation of man and woman. In this account, the Lord God like a sculptor artistically fashions man from the ground. Then as only God can do, He bends down to His creation, and in a very personal and intimate gesture breathes life into his nostrils. The Lord then places Adam in the idyllic Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it.
This vector recreation of Michaelangelo's "The Creation of Adam" is from Freepik.
Though Adam lived in paradise with his every physical need provided and though he had a relationship with his Creator, not all was good in paradise. In fact, the same Creator who declared “it was good” six times in chapter one, saw that “it was not good for the man to be alone." It’s important to realize God is the one expressing that something was not good in His creation. This stands in stark contrast to God’s assessment in chapter one as well as the description of Adam’s pristine home in Eden – “Out of the ground the Lord God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food” (2:9 NASB). This contrast is intended to emphasize the unacceptable state of man’s aloneness and the importance of what God is about to do to rectify it. To resolve man’s aloneness, God purposes to make a helper who both corresponds to Adam and yet augments him. It is interesting to note that it is only after the creation of both man and woman in chapter one that God surveyed His creation and assessed it as “very good!” (Emphasis added!)
To raise Adam’s awareness of his need for a companion, the Lord fashions every kind of animal and brings them to him. As co-regent over God’s creation, Adam is given the privilege and responsibility of naming all the animals. As the Lord parades the animals in front of Adam for naming, he sees that every animal has a corresponding mate. This experience fostered in his own heart the longing to also have his own suitable companion. Though animals may have provided some level of companionship for Adam, there was not an appropriate personal companion for Adam (2:20). After seeing the playful interactions and displays of affection in countless animal pairs, I can imagine Adam asking, “Lord, what about me?”
To fulfill Adam’s desire, the Lord puts Adam into a deep sleep, in effect anesthetizing him while He performs a ribectomy. Again, as only God can do, He skillfully sculpts this freshly removed rib into the pinnacle of His creation beauty. The Lord then presents His unique creation to the now awake Adam. Upon seeing God’s masterpiece, Adam’s pupils widen, his jaw drops, and he bursts into poetry, exclaiming “Wow-man!” and the name stuck! [3]
“This is now bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman, [4]
Because she was taken out of Man.” (2:23 NASB)
After bringing Eve to Adam and after Adam’s poetic exclamation, the Lord preached the first wedding message! For it's brevity, it is rich with wisdom.
Genesis 2:24 (NASB)
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
This Divine prescription specifies God’s design and purpose for marriage. It boldly stands out in this context. First, because Adam and Eve were direct creations of God and had no father and mother! Second, because it is an instructive verse in the middle of a narrative passage. Though it is not stated in Genesis that these words came from the mouth of God, Jesus later identifies God as the speaker of these words.
Together, Genesis 1:27-30 and Genesis 2:24 offer the very earliest teaching in all the Biblical record on God’s intention for marriage. Thousands of years later, when Jesus was asked about divorce, He went back to God’s creation design for marriage, quoting both these passages as the authority for His answer.
Matthew 19:4-6 (NIV)
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’
5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
At first glance these verses may seem briefly simplistic, but they are power packed with deep insight into the nature and purpose of marriage. They outline the Divine Architect’s blueprint for marriage. In this series of blogs, I will unpack seven foundation truths of a biblical marriage that are contained in Genesis 2:24 as used both by Jesus and the apostle Paul.
SEVEN BIBLICAL FOUNDATION TRUTHS OF MARRIAGE
1. Marriage is God’s Idea
2. Marriage is Heterosexual
3. Marriage is Monogamous
4. Marriage is for Life
5. Marriage is Intimate
6. Marriage is to be Supported by Society
7. Marriage is a Picture of Christ and the Church
In this post, I will unpack the first truth.
1. Marriage is God’s Idea
"The Creator made them … and said, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to wife; and the two will become one flesh."
"Therefore what God has joined together ..."
Marriage was God's idea, not man's. Marriage did not originate as a social construct of our ancestors, but rather marriage was God’s plan from the very beginning. He designed it and He ordained it as a sacred human institution.
It was God who created mankind as male and female. It was God who saw Adam’s need for companionship and who said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 1:27, 2:18). It was God who created Eve out of Adam’s rib and brought her to him. Moreover, Jesus indicated that it was God who said, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife; and the two will become one flesh" - thus outlining His divine purpose for marriage. Jesus further declared that it is God who joins husband and wife together (Matthew 19:5-6) - thus making marriage a divine union, not just a human agreement or sexual union.
These facts clearly show that marriage originated in God’s heart and is God’s gift to mankind. Many traditional wedding ceremonies acknowledge this as they include in their opening statements words such as these:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and in the presence of these witnesses to join together this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony. This bond and covenant of marriage was established by God at creation, was affirmed by Christ’s teaching, and was honored by Christ’s presence and first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee. Scripture commends that marriage is to be held in honor by all men and teaches that it signifies the mystical union between Christ and his Church. Therefore, marriage must not be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, but thoughtfully, reverently, and in the fear of the Lord. It is into this holy estate that this man and this woman now come to be joined. If anyone can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, speak now, or forever hold your peace. [5]
These opening words, the gist of which are contained in many traditional Christian marriages, recognize marriage as a sacred covenant originating with God. They further recognize that marriage takes place in the presence of God, not just human witnesses. According to Jesus, God is the Divine overseer who joins man and woman together in marriage – “what God has joined together.” Though there may be legal requirements and state recognition of a marriage union, it is not the government who joins a man and woman in marriage, it is God!
If marriage was God’s idea, then it only makes sense that we consult what He has to say on the matter. If God is the architect who designed this most intimate of all human relationships and the engineer who stipulated its building standards, then we should follow His blueprint and build our marriages on the foundation He prescribed.
“It is high time that our so-called experts on marriage, the family, and the home, turn to the Bible. We have read newspaper columns and listened to counselors on the radio and TV; psychiatrists have had a land-office business. In it all, the One who performed the first marriage in the Garden of Eden and instituted the union between man and wife has been left out.”
Billy Graham
Image by Jack Hamm
Many today have forgotten or even rejected the Creator who originated marriage. They don’t acknowledge His existence, let alone His involvement in the affairs of their lives. If marriage is seen only as a human construct, then there is no moral obligation to God, and any moral obligation to one’s partner is merely arbitrary based on societal norms. That’s why cohabitation is on the rise, even outpacing marriage. A popular myth is that couples who live together first are more likely to have a successful marriage than those who don’t.
Image from Pew Research Center [6]
In Canada, the number of couples living common-law increased by 260% between 1981 and 2021, growing from 6.3% in 1981 to 22.7% in 2021, the highest percentage of common-law couples among G7 countries, though lower than Sweden, Norway, and Finland.
Image from Statistics Canada [7]
Though cohabitation is more prevalent among young adults, significant increases are seen across all generations of marrying age in Canada.
The Proportion of Persons in Couples that Were Living Common Law in Canada[8]
Age | 1981 | 2016 | 2021 |
15-19 | 49.5% | 92.4% | 93.4% |
20-24 | 23.1% | 77.8% | 79.3% |
25-29 | 11.3% | 54.3% | 60.8% |
30-34 | 6.8% | 33.9% | 37.8% |
35-39 | 5.1% | 26.2% | 26.9% |
40-44 | 3.9% | 21.5% | 23.5% |
45-49 | 3.0% | 19.7% | 20.5% |
50-54 | 2.4% | 18.8% | 19.4% |
55-59 | 1.8% | 16.1% | 18.4% |
60-64 | 1.5% | 12.7% | 15.6% |
65-69 | 1.2% | 9.7% | 12.2% |
70-74 | 1.0% | 7.7% | 9.4% |
75-79 | 0.9% | 5.6% | 7.6% |
80-84 | 0.7% | 4.3% | 5.7% |
85+ | 0.5% | 3.8% | 4.7% |
Though I don’t have comparative details for the USA, the trends are similar. According to the Pew Research Center, since 1990 there has been a substantial increase in cohabiting adults while the share of married adults has decreased. For example, from 2007 to 2016, the number of cohabiting adults in the USA increased 29%, from 14 million to 18 million.[9] Further, a 2019 Pew Research study found that 59% of U.S. adults ages 18-44 had lived with an unmarried partner at some point in their lives, more than the 50% in this same age group who had ever been married.[10]
These trends confirm the increased acceptance of cohabitation in North American society. Pew Research shows that 7 out of 10 in the USA say that cohabitation is acceptable even without plans to marry. Opinions vary based on age, ethnicity, and religious affiliation. Not surprisingly, 90% of those with no religious affiliation approve of living together. Sadly, 74% of Catholics and 76% of white non-evangelical protestants also approve of cohabitation even without plans to marry. Though the percentages are smaller, 47% of black protestants and 35% of white evangelical Protestants share this same view. [11]
Though many cohabitate to test the relationship before marrying, long-standing research shows that more than half of cohabiting couples will break-up and the 39% (2017 stats) who marry will experience a higher rate of divorce than those who do not cohabitate before marriage. Higher divorce rates and lower marital satisfaction statistics continue to disprove the myth that living together before marriage will give the couple better odds for a successful marriage. Moreover, the likelihood of divorce increases even more when one of the partners has been involved in serial cohabitation, having lived common-law with two or more sequential partners.
Couples who live together prior to marriage are twice as likely to divorce within a decade as those who lived apart before marriage. That’s the result of a study of nearly 7000 couples by two University of Wisconsin sociologists. Many feel that living together is a good method for discovering insurmountable incompatibilities before marriage, said researcher Larry Bumpass. Although he once held that view, Bumpass now believes living together directly contributes to divorce. “The partners have less claim on each other,” he explained. “It may be that they form habits in such a period that when carried over into marriage, are not conducive to marital success.”
(Focus on the Family, November, 1988)
Studies consistently show that married couples experience higher levels of satisfaction and trust than cohabiting couples.[12] Dr. H. Norman Wright identifies some of the underlying issues that contribute to lower satisfaction and trust in common-law relationships.
It is impossible to duplicate the process of marriage by living together. There is always that underlying attitude, “This is a test. This is a trial run. Let’s find the problems now so I can bail out of this relationship.” This is a far cry from “Let’s find the problems so we can work on them and learn to be compatible.” When you live together there is a limit of what you invest, not only emotionally but financially as well….
When you live together you reflect ambivalence. You don’t want the single lifestyle, nor do you want marriage. It’s not the best of both worlds. It is actually the worst. You’re single, but you don’t have the freedom to cultivate new relationships. You’re not fully married, so you cannot develop intimacy to its fullest degree either. There’s a cloud of uncertainty that hangs over the relationship.
Living together doesn’t give you the opportunity to build intimacy; rather, it brings up issues of who shops, who cooks, who cleans, etc. You have one foot in the relationship and one foot out.
Dr. H. Norman Wright
Finding the Right One for You
According to Statistics Canada,
Of the 2 million Canadians who went through a breakup between 2001 and 2006, approximately half were ending a marriage and the other half were dissolving a common-law relationship. This was despite the fact that there were far fewer common-law couples than married couples in 2001.
Those in common-law unions had lived together for an average of 4.3 years, whereas those in marriages had been together for an average of 14.3 years. [13]
To clarify, there were approximately 1 million divorces and 1 million breakups of common law couples in Canada in 2001. Virtually, an equal number of broken relationships, however, the percentages are significantly different. First, because “there were far fewer common-law couples than married couples in 2001.” In other words, because they had an equal number of broken relationships while having far fewer common-law couples, there was a far higher percentage of common-law breakups for the number of common-law relationships than for marriages . Further, these stats would not include the many who cohabitate or who engage in casual premarital sex that were not legally recognized as common-law couples.[14]
Second, the instability of cohabitation is further exemplified because these common-law relationships lasted only one-third the time of marriages before breaking up – lasting only 4.3 years in 2001.[15] While the average length of marriage before divorce was 14.3 in 2001, increasing to 15.6 in 2016, and decreasing to 15.3 years in 2020. What is difficult to determine from my cursory research is the percentage of those included in the divorced statistics who also cohabitated before marriage.[16]
However, studies continue to show that those who cohabitate and then marry are more likely to separate and divorce, especially in the early years of the marriage, than those who did not live together prior to marriage. A 2023 study concluded that “the marriages of those who moved in together before being engaged were 48% more likely to end than the marriages of those who only cohabited after being engaged or already married.”[17]
There are various reasons for this proposed in the research literature, such as the younger age at which people cohabitate than those who marry, or the noncommittal attitudes of cohabitors even after marriage, or the characteristics of those who cohabitate are not conducive to stable relationships, or the inertia effect, which pushes two people who might otherwise not marry, to marry. It is not my purpose to go down these various rabbit holes. Nor is my point to applaud the still appalling divorce rate of married couples. My purpose is only to dispel the popular and fallacious myth that "couples who live together first are more likely to have a successful marriage." The facts show just the opposite.[18]
Marriage and cohabitation are not the same. Cohabitation is only a half-committed attempt to facsimilate a marriage relationship, while marriage is an all-in sacred covenant between a man and woman before God, and it is intended to be a life-long union. It is clear that those who cohabitate and many who divorce do not grasp God’s divine intention for marriage. Consequently, they are building/have built on a faulty foundation that does not sustain stability. Certainly, there are also many who experience the travesty of divorce that do understand God’s design for marriage, and yet still suffer a dissolution of marriage due to a spouse's marital unfaithfulness or choices and circumstances beyond their control. After all, it takes two to make a marriage work.
Closing
Marriage is not a social construct; marriage is God’s plan! He designed it and left us His blueprint. To fully experience all that God intended for marriage, a couple must build on the foundations He prescribed at the very beginning. More than being the Divine Architect, He was also the first Wedding Planner and the first Minister to perform a wedding. Moreover, Jesus understood God to be the one who joins husband and wife together, meaning that God is somehow mystically involved in every marriage union.
As followers of Christ, we must not only build according to God's blueprint, but also invite Him to be at the center of our marriages. Unless the God who ordained marriage is primary in our lives and marital relationships, we will not experience the fullness of His intended joy and purpose for this sacred union.
Of course, we also play a vital role and carry great responsibility for building our marriages and families, but we all bring assorted human limitations, the impact of sin on our personalities, varying degrees of relational dysfunction, and the baggage of past hurts into our marriages. It’s only by God’s divine grace that we are enabled to overcome these relational hindrances. When we come to the limits of our own love, wisdom, and strength, what will we do unless we turn to Him whose fountain of love, wisdom, and strength is without limit?! Unless the Lord is empowering us, our efforts fall short and may even prove to be futile. As the Psalmist says, "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain that build it" (Psalm 127:1).
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and made water into wine. "And what did you learn from that story?" asked the father, afterward. The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there!"
A good insight, indeed! Invite Jesus to be the Lord of your life and your marriage!
REFERENCES
[1] Some believe that the name Pisa is named after its founder, Pisus, while others believe it originates from the Etruscan word meaning “mouth,” because Pisa is located at the mouth of the Arno River. However, a popular belief is that the name Pisa comes from the Greek word pisos meaning “marshy land.” Regardless of the name’s origin, the region of Pisa was marshy and offered unstable ground for building. Consequently, other historical buildings in Pisa that were built in the same era also lean.
[2] I drew the bulk of my information on the Tower of Pisa from a Wikipedia article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leaning_Tower_of_Pisa#:~:text=The%20tower%20began%20to%20lean,the%20tilt%20to%203.97%20degrees.
[3] This is only my play on words, not the etymology of “woman.” Our English term “woman” originally derived from the Old English wifmann, meaning female person. Over time, wifmann evolved into wimman and eventually woman.
[4] WOMAN: In Hebrew, ishah (woman) is the feminine form of ish (man), which used at the end of this same verse, showing Adam’s poetic parallelism. Another word for “man” in Hebrew is adam, which can mean “man” or “humankind,” and is related to adamah, the Hebrew word for “ground” or “earth,” from which Adam gets his name.
[5] This is my own rewrite of the content found in half a dozen opening statements from traditional Christian marriage ceremonies.
[6] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/#fn-39398-1
[7] https://vanierinstitute.ca/families-count-2024/common-law-unions-are-most-common-in-quebec-and-nunavut/. See also https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220713/dq220713b-eng.htm and https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220713/g-b003-eng.htm.
[8] I produced this chart based on stats from this Statistics Canada page - https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/220713/g-b004-eng.htm.
[9] https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2017/04/06/number-of-u-s-adults-cohabiting-with-a-partner-continues-to-rise-especially-among-those-50-and-older/.
[10] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/#fn-39398-1
[11] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/public-views-of-marriage-and-cohabitation/
[12] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/how-married-and-cohabiting-adults-see-their-relationships/#:~:text=handle%20money%20responsibly.-,Married%20adults%20are%20more%20likely%20than%20those%20living%20with%20a,difference%20is%20evident%20among%20cohabiters. See also https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/#:~:text=Married%20adults%20have%20higher%20levels,than%2018%20in%20the%20household).
[14] While the federal Canadian government recognizes cohabitation for tax purposes after a couple lives together for 12 consecutive months, most provinces in Canada do not legally acknowledge a couple as common law unless they have lived together for 2 or 3 years in a marriage like relationship. They only considering shorter durations if a child is involved.
[15] Though I have searched, I've been unable to find more current statistics.
[17] Scott M. Stanley and Galena K. Rhoades, What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce (Institute for Family Studies, 2023), 3. For a free pdf of this book, go to https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/reports/cohabitationreportapr2023-final.pdf There are also various articles on the Psychology Today site that address the increased divorce risk of cohabitation.
[18] Even if the statistics were to favorably support this myth, it would not make cohabitation a morally right choice. The Bible forbids sexual relations outside of a marriage between a man and woman (Hebrews 13:4). I will elaborate on this point in a future post.
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